I Need to Focus on the Positive

Good Friday Morning to you all...

I have to admit, I haven't been writing much lately because I am sick of thinking about having Cancer but I have to really start focusing on the positives and see myself crossing the finish line.

Treatments and recovery have gotten more difficult as time has progressed but that was to be expected.  Having had Hodgkin's in my twenties,  chemo has weakened certain parts of my organs and they can't take as much as they used to. My oncologist wants to have my heart checked again because I am showing signs of congestive heart failure. That freaked me out at first but after reading up on it, all it means is that my heart is working a little harder than it should. This explains why I'm tired all the time and have difficulty breathing at times.

I am so very thankful for my job and the support that they have given me. My boss (Msgr) gathered the entire staff and my husband and gave me an anointing. It was quite touching to have everyone there and pray together.  I've also been told that Msgr mentions my name at all the Masses and that makes me very happy. You can't beat the power of prayer.

Today is my beautiful sister Jeanne's birthday. Happy Birthday Jeanne!!! Hope your day is wonderful. I wish I could share a glass (bottle) of wine with you but unfortunately the vino would not agree with me at this time but I plan on being around for a very long time so we will have many more birthdays to come.

My next treatment is scheduled for Wednesday, October 29 (#4) but that could change depending on whether or not I need to get the heart testing done before that. The first available appointment at the cardiologist is not until Nov. 6. I will keep you posted.

Until next time...keeping the faith and remembering I am truly blessed.

Feeling Lost

I guess I should be excited that I am half way done but I can't help but look at the situation that I have the do the first half all over again and it's getting harder. My body is getting weaker everyday and my spirits are really at an all time low. 

I've been called an inspiration to many people but if those people saw me today, curled up in my bathrobe on the couch, sobbing while I am writing this blog, they would call me less than inspirational.

I'm so tired or being sick and a burden to my family. I'm so tired of my huge painful hands dues to negative affect of the meds. I'm so tired of not bring able to eat normal food and have it taste good. In essence...I'm just plain tired.

Will my life ever be normal again? Right now I can't see it and it scares me. I usually have it all together but I feel as if I am falling apart.

I guess that's all my venting for tonight. Please keep me in your prayers and I will continue to trust in God and his plan.

The Glass is Almost Half Empty

It's been awhile since my last blog but I guess a part of me doesn't want to think about what I'm going through on my recovery time. I like to clear my mind of everything that I am going through and pretend it doesn't exit. Unfortunately, writing a blog reminds me of what has previously transpired and what is to come. I understand it is a tool to keep others informed and I guess if it helps others understand what I am going through, that's what matters.

I have to be honest...the only thing that inspired me to write today's blog was my nephew Nathaniel. I saw the news segment on his journey and was completely moved by his determination. It literally brings tears to my eyes to see him on his journey and I know that if he can walk clear across the U.S., I can certainly get through the next 5 months. If you haven't had a chance to read his blogs, please do so at natewalks.com. He will inspire and amaze you.

Tomorrow will mark infusion #3 and in this case, having the glass half empty is a great thing. I already have a bit of anxiety regarding tomorrow. I'm sick of having poison injected into my body. As the sessions progress, I find myself losing more and more energy. It's getting harder to bounce back  and the emotional roller coaster that my hormones have been on is ridiculous.

In spite of it all, I will remain optimistic. The outpouring of support has been tremendous and has made my journey more tolerable. I hesitate in mentioning anyone by name because I don't want to leave anyone out but you all know who you are. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Until next time...Thank you God for giving me another day (one day at a time). I am truly blessed. :)

Finally, I Can Think

It's been awhile since my last post. This week has been really rough week. The fatigue has taken every once of energy i stored up right before my last treatment. It is only today, the 10th day after treatment, that I am beginning to feel alive again. On top of the fatigue, I've been dealing with the adverse reactions of two my meds. My hands are bright red, itchy and swollen. They look so incredibly ugly.

Despite the week that I just experienced, I will continue to focus on the positive. We are approx 33% done and with my next treatment I will be half way there. I will be done before Christmas, my Tori's birthday and Nick's 40th. These are all wonderful things to look forward to and to celebrate.

I know this one is short but my hands hurt and I can't type. Maybe tomorrow will be a little better.

One last note.....without God, I would have nothing. He will pull me through. The love of my husband keeps me going everyday and the love for my daughters Haylee and Tori keep me motivated to be the strong female role model that I want them to admire. 

Keeping the Faith and remembering that I am truly blessed.

Bald and Feeling Beautiful

As most of you saw yesterday, I posted a picture of my bald husband with my bald self. I am overwhelmed by the response to my photo and I am truly grateful for the positive comments. I have to admit that I was really nervous to do it but I am glad my husband convinced me to. All the beautiful words will give me that extra something I am going to need going into next weeks treatment. I felt so much genuine love yesterday that I almost want to shave my head  more often...lol

I feel GREAT today (normal fatigue) and looking forward to a relaxing weekend. Tori will be attending the One Direction Concert with my amazing sister Jeanne. We had planned this almost a year ago and now I am unable to attend because of the circumstances. It makes me a little sad because although I know it would have driven me crazy to be around all those screaming young girls, I would have loved to see Tori and Grace screaming with excitement at the concert. Thank you Jeanne for coming to the rescue and fulfilling Tori's dream.

On a sadder note....My thoughts and prayers go out to the Nelson Family. They lost their grandma Nel this morning.  Dick and Marge are like another set of parents for me and I love them dearly. My heart goes out to Dick for the loss of his mom. Much love to the Nelson Family.

BTW....I love you Mom. Without you and the Faith and love for God you instilled in me my entire life, I would not have the strength to deal with my current reality.

Keeping the Faith and remembering that I am truly blessed.

My Week to Breathe

Finally, a week where I don't feel like the world is coming to an end. I was told that this time would come...I would start to feel great (well...better) and then BAM, they hit you again. I am cherishing every minute of a semi-calm tummy. I have discovered something though, during this past hell week...Mauricio's (San Dimas) Caldo de Polo with added rice is my Saving Grace and will be my go to meal from now on. It's my miracle soup.

This morning I took my usual shower and when I went to comb my hair it literally ALL starting falling out, so I cut it off. There is still a little on my head because I didn't have the heart to take it all but most of it is gone. I tied a scarf around my head, wiped the tears from my eyes, and added some earrings thinking people would focus on those and not the fact that I look like I'm channeling my Czechoslovakian Ancestors. I look like my Grandma but I adored her so that's okay because I feel as if she is with me.

I have been so blessed to have so many people pitch in and help me through this very difficult time. For this, I am forever grateful. I will continue to try to find the beauty in my days despite the harsh reality and by focusing on the love that I have received, it makes it that much easier. Please continue to pray for not only me but my family as well  and all others feeling the pain of Cancer.

Keeping the Faith and remembering that I am truly blessed. I love you all.

My Hell Week

This past week has been hell. I have to eat regularly or else my stomach gets upset but nothing tastes good and everything smells weird.I don't know what to eat but apparently I need to eat it frequently or my stomach yells at me.

 I am so incredibly tired all the time and my joints ache. The nausea is (finally) mild but now the diarrhea has set in so I Have to deal with cramping and midnight trips to to bathroom. I feel like I am falling apart....mentally....emotionally....physically.

I find myself breaking down in tears for everything. I just want to curl up in a ball on my couch and sleep for the next four months. I wish it was all a bad dream but unfortunately it is my reality.

My scalp has been burning so I know its only a matter of time before my hair is gone. Why does society place so much emphasis on hair? I fear that my husband will not like what he sees when the hair falls out and it's weighing heavy on my heart.

Thats all for now.....I'm tired